After the pain, not being on medication quickly reminded me how sensitive and overloaded I get without it.
Agitated Today January 1, 2008
I’m very agitated today. The overwhelming feeling I have is just wanting to throw my hands in the air and give up. At the same time I want to cry. Cry or hit the wall. I don’t know which. I think I am going to stop blogging for a while. I think I’ll go crawl in my cave and hibernate indefinitely.
Am I Manic Today? November 27, 2007
I got out of bed this morning well rested, focused and full of ideas of what I needed to do and how I needed to do them. How refreshing it was to have motivation after it seemed like I ran out of gasoline a couple of weeks ago. As I was pouring my obligatory coffee (my morning ritual jump start) I suddenly realized that I was in an unusually good mood for no apparent reason. Then the thought crossed my mind that perhaps I was manic? Was this my ”new” mania? Was this the muted euphoria that I would experience from here on out on medicine or was I simply feeling “normal” and the last two weeks were just less energetic?
We all know that women are cyclical by nature. Okay, so I have noticed that whenever my estrogen crashes at ovulation and then once again right before the onset of menstruation I get headaches, anxious and/or irritable. Sounds like PMS, right? I though I had that for several years. I suspect that instead of being manic this morning, what I was actually noticing was what it feels like to have more normal brain chemistry. It turns out that there is a relationship between estrogen and serotonin. Apparently estrogen keeps the latter from breaking down so quickly. In effect it acts like a typical anti-depressant by inhibiting or at least slowing down the re-uptake of the feel good neurotransmitter. But more on that another time.
I Don’t Miss October 14, 2007
Things I don’t miss about manic depression since going on medication:
Being irritable most of the time. The restlessness. The headaches. The anxiety. Feeling like I am constantly overwhelmed (Isn’t this just what being a parent means?). Over analyzing everything. Distorted thoughts. Irrational logic. Being unable to work efficiently because I’m having trouble concentrating. Looping or thinking the same thought over and over again. Feeling exhausted. Being unable to sleep well on a regular schedule either because of insomnia or because I wake up too early and can’t get back to sleep. The bleak attitude about myself and my circumstances. Lack of enthusiasm for anything. The nagging unhappiness. The crying spells. The suicidal thoughts.
Annoying side effects of the medicine:
1) A dry mouth, which I counteract by drinking more water and chewing gum with xylitol. (I never used to chew gum because I felt like a cow.) A dental hygenist recomended this to me when I participated in a study at the University of Washington. 2) Having trouble with my word choice and occasionally stuttering while my thoughts catch up with one another. Saying things like, “Don’t forget to put the milk back in the cabinet.” Very vivid dreams on occasion. (This is only a problem when the dreams are nightmares.)
As you can see, in my case the pros are much greater than the cons.
